What a great way to lose twelve pounds in a day!  Yesterday I had my paracentesis, and they took 6.2 liters of fluid off my abdomen.  This is probably my single favorite procedure in all of my medical treatment because of how rapidly you feel better – is immediately soon enough?    When they drained me in 2006, there was 11 liters and it was the color of cola.  This time it was the color of ginger ale, so I’m going to assume that is better, too.  Anyways, I feel great (relatively) and my new chemo is today.

After seeing the performances on Wednesday night, I wondered if they were allowed to let LESS than three thru to the finals in each group.  I was so disappointed in our local boy, Matt, and really didn’t love anyone with the exception of fierce Adam Lambert who I have loved since auditions.  He is, so far, my pick to be in the final two with Danny Gokey.  I sure hope next week’s group is better.  What is with this song choice, song choice, song choice?  Just because it’s a song you love (KAI) doesn’t mean it’s a good song for you!!  How come *I* can see this in Michigan and they can’t see it in Hollywood?  Ah well.  We move on to next week.

And thank GOODNESS The Incredibly Annoying Stalkerish Seth is gone from Hell’s Kitchen.  Thank Goodness.

Kearney.  Out.

So, last Friday I had a MUGA test and another CT scan.  The MUGA was for my heart and to see how healthy it was, baseline, because the next chemo he’s using is a bit more aggressive.  Well, apparently I have a heart, and it works really well!! My MUGA was 65% (normal range is 50 to 80%, optimal 65%, so I’ll take it!!) By the way, the MUGA is really cool. I saw my own heart. I saw it beating. And I saw the number of 65% come up on the screen. Thank God for kind technologists, too, who kept saying things like “Look at that beautiful heart!”

Then yesterday I had my doctor’s appointment to set the plan.  This is where I found out about the CT Scan.  Apparently there was lots of fluid (duh, I could tell that by the ten plus pounds I’ve put on while not eating ANYTHING)  but there’s no new involvement of the organs, and the recent tumors are unchanged or smaller! (YAY)  So on Thursday, I go to the hospital for a Paracentisis, which, simply put, means they are gonna drain me.  (One of my students said I was being “juiced” like Violet in Willy Wonka!)  I should instantly feel better after that.  Then Friday I start the new chemo, which is specifically designed to attack tough tumors and fluid.

My team of physicians:

Tonight is High Holy Night, ie The Oscars.  It is one of my must see events each year (the Tonys and the Emmys are also up there along with the finale of SYTYCD, DWTS and AI).  I spent most of yesterday and today renovating the neglected back bedroom and turning it back into my mainfloor hang out until my doctor does something to make me feel better.  I have an appointment tomorrow, and I’ll be finding out what the next step is, because I had to give in and move my computer back upstairs because I’m so fatigued and bloated.  (I hope he recommends getting this fluid drained again.  When they did that three years ago, I felt better INSTANTLY.)

SO, I have my little flat screen TV, my notebook computer, my portable CD player and my musicals, my afghans and pillows on my futon, and my crafts and stuff too.  My clothes are here too, so it’s a great place to go when I can’t sleep. I have a cute container for my sugarless candy, and basically, I’m happy as a clam.  It took a lot of cleaning up, but it was worth it, because no matter what happens with my treatment, I have my retreat

As for HHN, I really have NO preference who wins this year.  I’m only watching it for the clothing, the stars and (drool) Hugh Jackman……..sigh.

Oh, by the way, I correctly picked the three finalists from group one of AI – I didn’t post it here, but I will start posting after each group now.  Promise

Yesterday, as planned, my Mom and Dad came over for Sunday/Anniversary dinner.  I made a roast and potatoes and carrots in the crockpot, we had some yeast rolls, applesauce, and a delicious salad.  For dessert I had Valentine’s cookies, lemon bars, pudding (desserts that people had made me for dinner this week ).  They stayed about three hours, we chatted about nothing of major consequence, they saw our new fish in the aquarium, looked at the hole where we had the basement leak fixed, and then went home.

None of that was newsworthy, was it?  But it was so NORMAL it was wonderful.  One of the things that makes me craziest about cancer is how abnormal it makes you feel.  You are loaded up with drugs, you lose all your hair, and end up redrawing some of it on your face, your body is compromised by fatigue and pain, and things that were easy really aren’t.  But for a while yesterday, I felt like a normal, boring, middle class, middle aged person having her parents over for Sunday dinner.  I appreciated everything – from the relative cleanness of my house, and the way the meal turned out, to being able to get the table cleared and dishes in the dishwasher while still visiting with my guests, to Mike helping clear the table and take care of the animals.  It was so disgustingly average and – well – normal.

I used to pray not to be normal.  It’s so interesting how things change, isn’t it?

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY to all my beloved friends and relatives who read me on Xanga!! 

And of course, to my handsome hunny bunny, Michael, whom I love with all my lil’flamingo heart.

It’s a low key day for us – we will clean the house and have a nice dinner tonight.  Then tomorrow, my parents are coming over for roast beast to celebrate their 56th Amazing Anniversary!!  They are my role models, because they still like each other a lot!!

This week was testing and chemo, even though we aren’t sure this chemo is doing anything, until we are, which will be by my next doctor’s appointment, we continue.

On the test retake, the numbers went up again.  Fortunately, it was just a little, but enough to prove it wasn’t a mistake, and the disease is doing it’s thing once more.  So, it’s off to the CT Scan, and something called a MUGA scan, which apparently determines the condition of my heart, so it’s appropriate to be posting about it on Valentine’s day

The tests are to determine where the disease is, and if I can handle a different chemo protocol, which apparently might damage a weak heart. “I know I have a heart, because I can feel it breaking…” as the Tin Man said.  I’m just tired and scared.  If they find something out of whack with my heart, that’s another doctor, and another series of tests/treatments/restrictions.  I just don’t want to have to stop teaching under any circumstances.  Pray for a normal MUGA, please.

I still feel about the same, so apparently this is just another step in the controlling of this disease.  I really don’t believe I’ll ever be “normal” again – so this is another piece of that New Normal cancer patients talk about.  Happy Go Lucky is something I just used to take so much for granted.  But God is good, and I believe with all my MUGA heart that He is healing me.  In His time, not mine.  That’s the hard lesson to learn, isn’t it?

Okay, I can no longer keep my mouth shut.  You all knew it had to happen.  It’s been two full weeks and I haven’t said a thing.  I finally have to speak.  (I hear many of you saying to yourself, “Self, it’s finally happened.  Robin has lost it.  She’s rambled on for four sentences and hasn’t said a thing.” (However, if you add the three sentences I just wrote for you to say, and this one, we are up to eight.  Pretty good, huh?  (nine.)))

Yes, it’s finally time to talk about American Idol.  AI.  The juggernaut that has no end in sight.  It’s still as entertaining as it was in the beginning, although it is getting weirder and weirder.  Why?  Two reasons:  First of all, the new judge.  Kara seems to be Paula with talent and brains, which means that more often than not, the two of them are ganged up in the middle, with Randy dawgin’ it on one end of the judge’s table, and Simon harumphing on the other.  This makes for a new dynamic.  Plus, she isn’t tired of standing up to Simon as much as Paula is yet, so she’s still darned feisty.  I think it’s recharging Paula’s batteries, too, to have an ally in the ranks.  Secondly, the contestants are weirder in audition week, and more talented at Hollywood week than any other year I can remember.  On group night, I would have bought a CD done by the first group that sang!  There are some amazing singers/performers out there this year, most of whom seemed to come from Salt Lake City – except the poor Osmond Son, who didn’t make it thru.  Now you KNOW it’s competitive if a kid who was brought up performing and being performed around in a family like the Osmonds doesn’t make the cut.  Bikini Girl, thank goodness, got sent home this week, and now we are down to about 40 kids that can REALLY sing.  I know a lot of people love the first three weeks of AI and don’t watch the rest, but for me, it starts now.  They start getting names, and personalities, and backstories.  Stay tuned for more from me, RobinIdol, as the weeks wear on.

Since I’m no longer a Grey’s Anatomy fan, I can now watch Hell’s Kitchen without popping back and forth. I’ve always liked the show because it demonstrates REAL cooking skill and passion.  Last Thursday, Gordon Ramsay (if he didn’t swear so much, he’d be my dream man) showed how to actually shuck a scallop.  Since it’s my favorite seafood, I found it fascinating.  I also agreed with one of the chef contestants who said if the population knew how ugly it was, they’d never eat it.  But once it’s shucked CORRECTLY, it’s pristine white, round, meaty and succulent.  Okay, I just made myself hungry.  Anyway, there’s still 14 chefs left, so I am not sure who my favorites are.  I think they’ll begin sorting themselves out in a week or so as well.  Believe me, I’ll let you know.

Last TV bit.  If you were EVER a fan of ER in the last 15 years, and you aren’t watching this season, you should be.  Honestly, it’s like the ER of old – not only are the regular characters now likable again, but the writing is crisp and original.  Add in that every single week is like a sweeps event with the returning original cast members and the super duper guest stars, it’s back to being a show well worth watching again.  Two years ago I kept saying, “Why is this still on?” and this year I’m saying, “I can’t believe this is the last season.”  But what better way to go out, yes?

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I had a terrific doctor’s appointment on Tuesday.  He said the tumor was dissolving, there wasn’t any fluid on my lungs or belly…he suspected that my next count would be in the 60s.

Then yesterday when the counts came back, it was 249.  It went up 145.  How does this happen?  He doesn’t know, I don’t know.  All I know is I can’t stop crying because I’m so very tired after three years of this.  He says we will test again on Tuesday so he’ll see me Thursday before chemo.

It will be a long week.  Thank goodness my TV shows are back.