We seemed to begin and end the year in about the same place this year – with a new diagnosis of another tumor from the Ovarian Cancer Tumor Mill (aka me…)

I have to admit this third occurrence has been far tougher emotionally for me.  I seem to need more help, more down time, more patience – I think I’m just plumb worn out.  Of course this being the second year in a row of the Revived Michigan Winters of Our Youth hasn’t helped.  After ten years of wimpy winters, to have two blockbusters in a row while being not exactly physically at your best isn’t fun. 

So while Cancer hasn’t been my friend this year, I have continued to learn, and grow and be blessed by its many side effects.  The biggest blessing is finding out who your long term, good, Christian, loyal friends are, and I am so very overwhelmed by my blessings in this area.  Besides my family, who remains incredibly supportive, I have my school and church family, and my amazing internet family.  Hubby Mike remains an amazing source of joy and strength and comfort to me as we enter our 27th year this January.  He and I are both still employed at the Lutheran High school across the road from us, and that brings innumerable blessings, not the least of which were obvious when gas was approaching five dollars a gallon!  We have managed to hold on to our little trailer up north, and our little condo, and our little fur family.  Our bills are paid, our house is warm and our tummies are fed.  We do just fine, thank you, God.

My internet family is amazing because people keep popping up from my past – Millie, Susan, and others from the old Weight Watchers boards on AOL – and the Big Four that have been in contact and with me the entire time:  Enola, MJ, Maria and Risha.  Because of Enola, my husband has his black belt in karate.  Because of Maria, I had a tree last year when I was too sick to have a tree.  Because of Risha, I have MagicalShooz.  And MJ…always vigilant in watching out for me, just around the corner.  Thru many connections I’ve added Judy, Marcia and many others to this list, and the danger of listing them is leaving someone off, so forgive me in advance. 

My school and job continue to be the one thing in my life that keep me going when all else fails.  I love my students and my administration and my parents and my faith filled life there.  When God put me there, He truly worked a miracle in my life.  Now this year, because of my health issues and putting things off too long, I’m going to have to work a few miracles to renew my certification and keep my good standing there.  I have everything I need, I just need some Christian bureaucrat to figure out how to package it so the state of Michigan accepts it.  Prayers, please

Spencer the luxury cat will be 8 this year, Spanky the indoor barn cat will be 7, and Stormy, the black spaniel who would be a blonde bombshell with no brain if she was a people will be 6.  As I said on my birthday – I had surgery when I turned 50, chemotherapy when I turned 51, radiation when I turned 52 – this year could I just have a party?  We have until October to make that happen, folks

So while not a lot has changed, or so it would seem, we continue to live in the shadow of the cross – Only Christ, Only Grace, Only Faith.  Thanks be to God.

Happy 2009!

I promise a full update in the next couple of days when the new storm hits and the chemo effects kick in – but for now, this is an anonymous writing sent to me in one of my inspirational newsletters.  I really liked it – good “food for thought” as we approach 2009.

I am your constant companion.
I am your greatest asset or heaviest burden.
I will push you up to success or down to disappointment.
I am at your command.
Half the things you do might just as well be turned over to me,
For I can do them quickly, correctly, and profitably.
I am easily managed, just be firm with me.
Those who are great, I have made great.
Those who are failures, I have made failures.
I am not a machine, though I work with the precision of a
machine and the intelligence of a person.
You can run me for profit, or you can run me for ruin.
Show me how you want it done. Educate me. Train me.
Lead me. Reward me.
And I will then…do it automatically.
I am your servant.
Who am I?
I am a habit.

I’m dreamin’ tonight of a head I love
Even more then I usually do
And although I know it’s a long road back
I promise you

I’ll be bald for New Year
You can count on me
Please have hats and earmuffs too
As presents under the tree

New Year’s Eve will find me
Where the clippers buzzzzzz
I’ll be bald for New Year
By springtime, maybe fuzz

Today, my sister in law (HalloweenTreat here on Xanga) and her daughter (NieceBecky to me) and three of my students and one of their moms all converged on my house at 1:15.  By 3:45, my house was decorated, my tree was up, and I felt a whole less humbug about life in general.  Then we went to the staff Christmas party, and we play the game where you steal presents – well, I drew the Very Last Card, and when I opened up The Very Last Gift, it was a box of chocolates.  “Perfect for the diabetic!” I laughed and brought them to my seat.  Within SECONDS, one of the lovely math teachers had surrended his Little Caesar’s Gift Card in exchange for my candy.  Is that wonderful or what? 

I am so blessed I can’t contain it!!!

As I’ve mentioned, I’ve been struggling a lot with this time around, both pain wise and emotionally.  I’m also so fatigued it’s beyond ridiculous.  HOWEVER…I am the most blessed person in all of Michigan, the Midwest, and maybe the country.

Wednesday my emotions got the best of me (AGAIN) and I started crying during my prep period.  Part of it is that as soon as I stop teaching, I realize how tired and in pain I am, so it’s always better to be teaching.  Part of it is that I think I’m this big fat giant burden on everyone, and I’m letting everyone down.  The kids don’t get the normal musical experience in the spring when I’m like this.  They don’t get their papers back as quickly.  The laundry and housework doesn’t get done in a timely fashion, and dinner is sometimes a thrown together mess.  And while I just don’t care about how it affects me, I do care deeply about how it affects my students, my husband, my family and my friends. 

This time of year is a huge burden too, because we have 60 pages due to the printer for yearbook before break, and we give exams before break, and it’s CHRISTMAS for goodness’ sake!

This morning though, I related the following blessings to my mom, who always ALWAYS is there to listen to me (and is in my top ten blessings of all time along with my dad, brother, husband, Rachel, Lenore, church and school.)

1.  People are bringing me meals three days a week now.  Healthy, actual meals that aren’t made by tearing the plastic wrap off the top, exposing the mystery meat to the microwaves, but keeping the mystery veggie covered so it doesn’t dry out.  We’ve already had chicken divan, cabbage rolls, and chili and cornbread!

2.  One of the moms made two of my husband’s favorite kinds of Christmas cookies and sent them along with their meal.  This was SO important to me because Mike is so important to me, and HE doesn’t have cancer or diabetes, yet he doesn’t get the stuff he used to.

3.  A mom of a freshman that I had NEVER MET came in on our yearbook deadline night and stayed for three hours proofreading yearbook pages.  Mr. Wesley, one of the religion teachers at school was there too doing the same thing.  As a result, I got to do the things I needed to do that WEREN’T editing, and we submitted MORE than the 60 pages needed last night!!

4.  Several students and friends just independently decided I needed presents, and I’ve received two handmade hats (for my inevitable baldness) sugar free candy (YAY) and a flamingo tape dispenser, to name just a few things.

5.  My student aide, Megan, is the greatest student aide in the history of ever.

6.  My house is very nearly clean enough, and I have six elves coming over tomorrow early afternoon to decorate my house!  Then we have our faculty Christmas party.

Today I’ve been cleaning (slowly) and getting excited about having decorations starting tomorrow.  I can see the light at the end of the tunnel – and it’s Jesus, of course – represented by his loving servants on this earth.

I AM blessed.

I have spent since last Saturday sick, sick, sick.  I have to eat, but when I eat I’m nauseous.  When I’m nauseous, I don’t want to eat.  And the rest of the time I’m asleep.  I am really not doing well at all at all.  I figure when I first had cancer I was this otherwise healthy person, with cancer.  Now, with the third occurrence, I’m a person with no reserves left.  I’m just wiped out and tired of it all.  I tried to count the number of separate sets of chemo I’ve had – it’s been at least 22 rounds of chemo, and 33 radiations.  That’s a lot of crap to put in a body in 29 months.

Totally lost it at school yesterday.  I mean totally.  I have a wonderful support group on Lotsa Helping Hands (www.lotsahelpinghands.com) which is the most awesome website.  But I still melted down.  It’s December Double Digits and not a Christmas decoration is anywhere in my house.  Not a present is wrapped.  Not a cookie is baked.  Plus I have thesis papers, final exams and regular papers so backed up from me coming home and just sleeping.  I need to make it one more week.  Hopefully in that week I’ll get the house cleaned up enough for my elves (several of my students) to come help me turn it around on Sunday, and then we are in exam week, which is half days.  I need to make it one more week.  That’s all.

Pray for me.  God is good all the time.  I know this.  I know it will happen.  I’m just feeling a little bit dependent right now, and it’s not something I’m particularly good at.

So yeah.

For those of you who haven’t been keeping up on Facebook or Redtoenail, my cancer is back.  Third time.  Fortunately, it appears to be small little guys that grew while we were zapping the other guy.  The irony.

If this first round of the ol’ carbo/taxol was any indication, I’ll be doing better with it this time.  NO side effects.  NO problems at all.

YAY!

Now if my hair will stay mostly in place until the next chemo, I’d be grateful.  My next one is the Monday after Christmas…I don’t mind starting the new year bald, but I’d like hair for Christmas.  We take lots of family pictures, and whilst I do look dashing in a Santa hat, I’d rather do the hair.

…and if my numbers would drop, and the bloating would cease, I’d have everything I wanted for Christmas.  Plus a digital picture frame.  And some nice sterling silver jewelry.  And a new parka.  But mostly the numbers and bloating.  Although tickets to the Broadway series at Macomb Performing Arts Center would be nice too. (heheheee)

God is good…all the time.