I do NOT have an obstuction. That sets my mind so at ease. They want me to keep eating my oyster crackers and drinking my G2 and working toward soft food in the next day or two. YAY!!!!

I’m still here, but still iffy about whether I should be…I “only” threw up once last night, and once this morning at 4 AM, just like on Monday…it’s almost a schedule now.  I just don’t think that’s so bad, but I also know how much weight I’ve lost, and how much I’m NOT going to the bathroom (a sign of dehydration.)  So, Mike will call the doctor this morning (he’s better at it than I am) and the next step will be determined.  I would still like to try to recover at home…but if the doctor says I need IV fluids, that will be the determination.  Of course, if yesterday’s x-rays find anything like a blockage, there will be no question.

Thank you for your continued prayers.  The other part of the update is that once this issue is addressed, he has to make adjustments to my chemo.  It’s obviously not doing the job at the reduced level – my numbers went up to 166 and the seven liters of fluid are a bit of a hint…So at the very least I’ll be recovering the rest of this week, have a doctor’s appointment on Tuesday, and chemo the end of next week.  What kind of chemo, I don’t know…that’s still to be determined.

This is called living on the edge – I can’t stand not knowing stuff, so this is making me crazy.  Plus, the pouting child in me that wants to go up north is stomping around announcing “It’s just not fair!”  The sarcastic adult inside of me has reminded me that the only fair in town is at 8 Mile and Woodward (The State Fair) and it’s not even open.

Sigh.

Since my paracentesis I have not held any food down for significant amounts of time. That was last Thursday late when I got home from the hospital. Friday, I was sick all day, Saturday I was sick all day, and Sunday I thought I was feeling better, so I ate eggs for breakfast and chicken and mashed potatoes for dinner. WHAT was I thinking? By Sunday night I was feeling like I needed to get sick because of the food, but I didn’t.

Monday, I actually got up, had coffee, went grocery shopping for the animals and staples (mom/survival instinct, perhaps?) and then everything went downhill. I knew I had a doctor’s appointment on Tuesday, so I just waited it out.

Well, it’s now 4:20 AM, and I just got sick, again…I’m thinking I’m going to try to limit my fluid intake so I can get into the doctor first thing. I’ll call, and they’ll make room for me to be there first thing in the morning. I’m probably dehydrated – I know I’ve lost nearly 30 pounds since Thursday (although 15 was probably directly from the paracentesis, 7 liters of fluid).

I wouldn’t be surprised if I end up in the hospital. Pissed off, but relieved. This just isn’t right. The real drag is that this weekend coming up, my parents were coming to the trailer to hang out and go boating/fishing. Sigh. I hate this disease.

But I now officially weigh the least I have in three years. I’m 95 pounds less than when I got sick back then. Wow. 

I’ll keep you posted, I promise. If they put me in the hospital, I’m going to want to have my computer with me.

Pray unceasingly. God continues to be in charge, and I have to trust his timing and his wisdom.  I love you all!!

There’s nothing lonelier than sitting up in the middle of the night waiting to throw up again.  That’s probably too much information, huh?

People keep telling me I have the right to cry, the right to complain, the right to NOT be Wonderwoman after three years of ongoing cancer treatment, but I have a hard time doing it.  Tonight, I’m going to make a really big effort to whine, cry, and complain.  SO…welcome to my Pity Party~!  Come on in, casual dress only, since I’m so bloated I couldn’t put on real clothes.

Today I called my doctor to schedule an emergency appointment.  This is only the second time in three years I’ve done this, so he usually takes me seriously. (Nota Bene:  some cancer patients “fall in love” with the attention they get from being sick, and everything from a hangnail to a bad hair day becomes cause for attention/doctoring/petting/pitying)  My reason for wanting to see him today is that since Saturday morning I’ve gained over ten pounds of fluid in my abdomen, and it not only hurts, but it makes it hard to walk, sleep, get up from a sofa, use the bathroom, and wear clothes.  I had a doctor’s appointment last week, and chemo last Friday, and everything was fine.  In fact, I felt great!  Then, all of a sudden, the cancer cell fluid goes into overdrive and my abdomen looks like I am 6 months pregnant beached whale who can’t turn over, sleep on her stomach, or even arrange her own pillows.  And it *hurts*.

Yesterday I had arranged to meet one of my “boys” who is off to grad school in September, since we had a lot of catching up to do, so I knew I wouldn’t go to the doctors until today.  My head counselor and principal came into my classroom before my guest got there, and were asking how I was, and I decided to be honest.

Bosses –   Are you in pain?

Me – constantly.  But I have pain meds and a pain patch that take the edge off.

Bosses -  Yet here you are, working.

Me – what else would I do?  It’s going to hurt whether I’m at home or in my classroom.

Bosses – I couldn’t do what you do.

Me – I really don’t have any choice.  I mean, what’s the alternative, giving up?

Today, all day, I’ve been crying because I just want to be normal, you know?  I just want to be able to go up north instead of waiting for hospital scheduling to call to schedule my latest paracentisis, which is the draining of fluid from the abdomen.  It usually equals several liters – up to 11, in my case!  But boy do you feel better afterwards. (The link is a youtube video of the procedure.  You’ve been warned.)  While all that fluid is in you, you can’t lay flat, you can’t bend, you can’t even keep your balance because suddenly you have ten pounds of slosh in the front of you.  So, I’ve been all weird and weepy, and then I feel guilty for being weak.   Plus, there’s a very real chance that if our enrollment drops too far, I’ll be out of a job.  Yes, I’ve been there ten years, but I’m not a “called church worker.”  I’m a “lay teacher.”  All lay teachers are laid off before a single called teacher is, no matter age or seniority.  So, there’s that little hatchet hanging over my head too.

Dr. T told me today that everything will be okay, and we have lots of options still open for treatment.  But dammit, after three years of nearly continuous chemo/radiation/shots/bloodwork/begin again…I’m tired.  While I’m not a quitter, and I’ll keep fighting the rest of my life, I have begun to understand why eventually some cancer patients decide they’ve had enough and stop treatment.  Apparently I have what is further refined from just ovarian cancer to “persistent” ovarian cancer.  This is my life, I guess, from now on.  So that’s part of the reason for the tears.

Then, tonight on So You Think You Can Dance my two favorite dancers, Ade and Melissa, danced a Tyce D’Orio piece about breast cancer.  It was amazing – strong, powerful, realistic, and beautiful.  But it ticked me off.  Even while I was weeping, I was pissed off.  Breast cancer is practically curable, and it still gets all the attention.  There are days when if I saw one more pink ribbon I’d have to scream.  And I have, actually.  Ovarian Cancer has decreased in recent years, from 63% to 50% but it’s still ONE in TWO.  Breast cancer mortality rates are less than 25% and going down constantly.  Don’t get me wrong, ANY exposure to cancer that makes one think, and leads people to hope and education is good…but ovarian cancer, called The Whisper, is difficult to diagnose, and even more difficult to cure.  While I’ve been in treatment, four of my students have had moms diagnosed, treated, and into long term remission.  And here I sit, feeling sorry for myself, and waiting to be scheduled for yet another procedure.  So, I’m having a pity party, and you all are invited.

No RSVP necessary.

I guess I owe you all an update! I was on vacation for eleven days without the internet, and it’s amazing how quickly I got out of the habit of using a computer!!  I wonder what that says about me?

HEALTH
I’m on year three of my battle with ovarian cancer. I’m also on my third recurrence, and my third kind of chemo. You know the saying “Third’s a charm”? Well…anyway!! I’m currently fighting fluid and cells more than a tumor. The fluid seems to be under control, so now we need to kick the tiny little butts of the cells.

My progress is measured by a CA-125 blood count. Normal is 0 – 21. Mine has been as high as 547 and as low as 4. It is currently on a downward trend at 133 as of yesterday. Even though it’s moving slowly, it’s moving, and that’s what’s important. This chemo (which I call Evil Orangeade because it’s not clear in the IV bag, but bright orange) seems to be one I can tolerate long term now that we have the dosage under control. In May most of the skin fell/burned off my hands, feet and anyplace else that rubbed because the dosage was high enough to give me Hand Foot Syndrome. Now we have that fixed, my hair is growing, and my numbers are dropping. Sounds like the right combo to me!! I’m not bald (which I have also been three times) and I’m getting better test results!! Dr. T says this is one I can stay on for a long time, which is good, since ovarian cancer is rarely “cured” – it’s usually chronic.

Now, here’s the prayer requests (you know I always ask for and covet your prayers on my behalf…I truly believe that God works miracles and is working one in my life)

1. Fatigue. Pray that I can have enough energy each day to try to improve my stamina with exercise. I’m just exhausted all the time.
2. Healing. I always ask for that!!
3. My husband, my hero: Mike is a rock, and he’s physically and emotionally drained a lot from my illness, and I wish you would pray for him too.

WORK and PLAY
Both of us are still employed at Lutheran North, so thanks to God for that.  We are having a good summer, getting to spend time up north, and I’m spending a LOT of time relaxing.  That isn’t getting my house any cleaner, but as a wise man once said – “Don’t sweat the petty stuff, and don’t pet the sweaty stuff.”    School starts the very last Monday of August, but I was in my classroom today making a few stabs at getting organized.  I’m sure as the month progresses I’ll find myself there more and more…I think I did very well staying away THIS long!!!

OTHER STUFF
Is there other stuff?  We work, we play, we sleep, we take care of my doctor stuff.  Chemo tomorrow…fiesta with the family for my Mom’s birfday on Sunday!

Thanks to all of you who keep up with my journey – and a journey it is and has been. I’m so blessed in so many ways, and my life is wonderful. God bless!